This one time, at Band Camp...
doesn’t sound awful to the common ear until you are placed in this dystopian excuse for a relationship. Sometimes I wonder if whoever the puppeteer up there is, tries punishing me for something I cannot commit to remember.
“I love you I love you I love you I love you” Matt says every time I catch him looking at the clock, only to see we are in the last few hours of our visit (Sometimes I mirror his “I love you’s” with my mouth). It’s as if he thinks those strong-hold bonding words will stop me from having to leave; that we’ll be able to stay together. Unfortunately, our weekend rendevous are only temporary.
I must admit I go through a mirage of different feelings every time we part:
At First, I am ‘heart-broken’. Kinda like yesterday when I broke clasp of his hand near the airport security and started walking away, only to look back and see him looking right back at me for one last glance as well.
Second, I take a deep breath and put my bags, shoes, and coats through the airport scanner. Sometimes the airport security guy tries to make conversation with me-“I hope you enjoyed your visit, have a safe trip home”-This is probably an attempt to cheer up my fainted expression.
All of the sudden however, I start to accept our standing with each other and come to terms with our long distance situation. I appreciate all the moments we had together the past weekend and play them over and over again in my mind on the plane ride home. I think about how this weekend with him changed my life just like the one before it and the one before that and so on. I reach a state of being content.
The Third stage, I regret to tell you is not as pretty. After I have been home and have been able to call him to reassure myself that he misses me just as much as I miss him, is when it hits me. We hang up, and I try to fall asleep, but I cannot.
The next day is “depression mode” on repeat all day. There’s really no way to explain this feeling except that the whole day you walk around like a drone, with any life that you still held onto sucked out of you. There are of course those moments when you make contact with a friend or peer and fake your facade with a makeshift painted-on smile (of course it’s only temporary as well).
I know no one cares to hear me
bitch in real life, so that is why I chose Tumblr to be my outlet today. The moral of the ‘story’ is inspired by Matt <3 There’s no need to say “goodbye”, when you can always say “see ya later”.